Face it, it's a minefield

I don't think I am alone when I say Facebook drives me nuts.
It messes with my mind, makes me laugh,  makes me cry, makes me sentimental, grumpy, nauseous, bored, mystified and confused.  And, on the odd occasion, I can experience all these feelings at the same time.
Facebook can do that.
With just a tiny tweak of the scroll bar, you can be engaged by an insightful comment, snorting with laughter over a friend's drunken selfie or stupid joke, chuffed about how deliriously happy a girlfriend looks on her wedding day, gutted by news of someone's passing, enamoured by the first photos of mate's baby, shocked by a news grab about another atrocity in the world or mystified by a post that can be described only as social road kill: you want to look away, but it is so compellingly bad that you just have to give it a closer look and maybe a sly prod to see if it really is that stinking awful.
It reminds me of the TV, except you know the stars of these shows (or at least know them through another friend who went to primary school with a bloke who remembers your brother who beat him up in the playground for stalking you at play lunch — true story).
And, just like the Idiot Box, you could always just switch it off. But only the strongest among us can turn away from the passing parade and never look back.
I have ditched Facebook a few times, only to be happily reconciled a week later.
I stood strong until someone mentioned that I was missing a bit of niggle between two acquaintances and, like a cork on the tide, I was inevitably drawn back.
I was talking to a friend today about starting a Facebook court where you could ban 'friends' for a certain number of days over various indiscretions. Each person would have to make up their own rules as tolerance levels of "sharing" vary — just like pain.
 For example, some might genuinely be interested in what you are preparing for lunch or dinner (usually with a pic). Others would find a soggy tea towel more engaging.
Here is my list of indiscretions that will attract a ban (one to 10 days, depending on severity and frequency)
Posting what you are having for dinner: just to clarify, if it is a saveloy with a few peas, or any variation on the three-veg-and-meat theme, you are banned for a few days. If it is from McDonald's or any of his mates, same penalty. If it is a photo of the only sausage left after you accidently set the kitchen on fire, that's OK. If it is a lump of chilli con carne that looks like Elvis, that's freaking unreal.
Posting a pic of your child doing nothing: c'mon they have to be doing something mildly interesting, or at least wearing a silly outfit or a bucket on their head. Not just, sitting/standing/staring at nothing in the backyard. Interest factor: nil for anyone not known as "nan" or "pop". This rule does not apply to photos of anyone's dog, as dogs are always interesting — especially mine — remind me to post the latest photos of them sleeping and chewing on their toys, awwww.
Posting that you are feeling sick: everyone knows you are hoping the boss will read it, making your 'severe gastro bug' seem less bogus.
Couples over-sharing details of mini-breaks: call me crazy, call me envious, call me heartless, but I don't care if you and cutie-pie went to a seaside B&B and ate lobster and drank spumante on your private deck. Actually, the only people who might be interested would be Facebook stalkers who take an unnatural interest in their ex-partners' activities.  If you post a photo of anything to do with you and your latest squeeze in a hot tub, you are banned for life.
But, I have a few loopholes: if any of the pictures are of you and Daniel Craig or George Clooney on a mini-break in Paris/Rome/Lake Como, please share them with me because you are a legend ... and I wouldn't mind to see the odd shot of them (just them, mind you) in the aforementioned 'banned' hot-tub.
I will throw out this rule completely if Mr Craig surprises ME with a trip to New York. In which case, all 1,000,000 of my devoted Facebook friends will be flooded with details and photos, as they will be THAT fascinating.
I'm sure there are more indiscretions, but I have the attention span of a budgie these days owing to my whirlwind life on the social network.
It's such a random place where everyone is clamouring to be seen and heard ... but I guess that's just life.