80s fashion: a touchy subject (Part 1)

The men, the mullets: Mick and Dave.

Loads of stuff in the 80s was, and still is, pretty great. 

But it wasn’t all black and white. It was fluoro, shiny, eye-wateringly bright and a bit hyper-colour.
It’s always fun to borrow from other decades, and today’s kids have been known to turn their hungry eyes to the Greed Is Good decade.

Generation X, and the younger Baby Boomers, have been watching this revival very carefully, mainly because they are concerned you crazy kids might moonwalk into the vortex of stupidity that was ‘80s fashion.

It’s all fun and laughs until someone gets hurt.

Musical maverick MC Hammer boasted at the end of the decade, U Can’t Touch This. He was alluding, I think, to the fact that his clothes – and indeed his moves – were too hot to touch, like molten lava. Unfortunately, the friction caused by his enormous synthetic pants was the only thing raising a sweat. (You can buy MC Hammer “old-school rapper pants” on eBay. Search under “costume” – that’s a hint).

The following items have been filed in the Hammer-esque category “Don’t Touch This”.

That is, they should never be revived, well at least until every person who grew up in the 80s has gone to the big Studio 54 in the sky.

OK,  let’s ‘‘break it down’’.
Garments made of parachute material: Aviation kit, usually pants and jackets,  should be worn only if you are doing a job that has ‘‘Air’’ in the title. 
“Air Guitarist” doesn’t count.
Jumpsuits: Now this is a controversial area, as a few of my younger female friends have admitted to owning new-age jumpsuits. I’m still going to say don’t touch them, especially if they have elasticised waists/backs, and good luck avoiding that camel toe.
The jumpsuit is particularly bad if you are a bloke. 

Any doubts? Check out David Bowie and Mick Jagger in the Dancing in the Streets video. Yes, Jagger’s shirt and pants are  puffy, but his mate is rocking out in a snakeskin jumpsuit. The only thing that saves him is a cream trench coat, and that’s saying something.
He looked more than happy to be wearing the get up, but I’m guessing that had something to do with his love, at the time, of Peruvian marching powder rather than fashion joie de vivre.
So, to sum up, only wear a jumpsuit if you are qualified to work in an enclosed space, a carnival worker or involved in a HAZMAT ‘‘situation’’.

Knickerbockers: They appeared on the Paris catwalk a few years ago but never took off. For one good reason: they look bogus. If you have any doubts, put on a pair – preferably made from velvet or corduroy – and ask someone to take a picture of your arse.

Lady Di fancied them, but she also thought Chris De Burgh was a musical genius.
I know of no man, outside those in New Romantic pop groups, who wore knickerbockers in the 80s.
But, if you are a young male who is convinced that the knickerbocker will revolutionise your wardrobe, enact a 24-hour cooling off period and, in that time, Google pictures of Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, Nik Kershaw and Ultravox in their heyday. They usually paired this pant with a frilly, or “poet” shirt. Bless their little synth-pop hearts.

Any garment with zips and ties that is able to be transformed into a jacket, dress, shorts, skirt, bag and boob tube: I bought one in Bali in the 80s. I got it home and realised it only looked good as a crumpled mess at the bottom of my wardrobe.
Tight acid-wash jeans: These look putrid worn on their own, but it’s a whole different ball game when they’re matched with an acid-wash denim jacket. If you commit to this combo, you also have to commit to a greasy mullet and a criminal record. It’s the law. 

One sequinned glove: Enough said.
White court shoes with  ankle socks, or anything else: They look like the ‘‘dress shoes’’ your great aunt pulls out for  weddings. Always did.
In the next ground-breaking instalment of this fashion report, I will discuss the perils of chemically induced curls and man makeup.